The Dreams That You Wish Will Come True (as long as you have talking mice and a fairy godmother, that is)

 Okay. Let's be honest with each other here. Mr. Disney is teaching some pretty despicable things to our youth if you think about it. I mean, look at his classics:


Would Cinderella really have gotten anywhere without the aid of her rodent friends and her imaginary godmother (who is actually insane, by the way. Bippity-boppity-boo? Really? C'mon woman) The answer is no. The mice help her DRESS every morning. The mice made the pink dress. And get the key from the evil stepmother in the end. The figment of dearest Cindy's imagination (the godmother) is the one that got her the pretty dress and turned a pumpkin (ew) into a freaken carriage!! Really, Cinderella never gets off her ass the entire movie. All she does is sing, clean some floors on her knees, feed some chickens, sing, have her dress ripped apart, cry, get bippityboppityboo-ed, ride in a pumpkin, dance a lot (A LOT), sing, go home, get locked up, cry, then put on a shoe. Sing. The end. The only actions that she actually carries out are cleaning, singing, and crying. Is that the message we're trying to send young girls in our society?? Cry, clean, and sing, and mice will come to carry you to a prince and a happily ever after? Not only is that incredibly unsanitary, it's down right archaic.

And don't get me started on the shoe business. This prince is as dumb as a doorknob. The story from his point of view, is basically as follows: He sees this girl across a crowded room and falls in love with her (judge by appearances much?) Then he's too much of a prissy to actually catch up with her as she runs away. I mean, thinking objectively here, he's in fairly comfortable shoes and pants and she's in a gown with glass high heels... and yet she outruns him?? Methinks something is amiss here. In fact, princey, it's kind of embarrassing.

So what does our gallant prince do? Ah-ha! A brilliant idea occurs to him! Since she has clumsily dropped one of her glass slippers, he'll just have his manservant go around the entire kingdom and try it on all of young maidens and then, THEN he will find his love. Hmmm... this tells us two things. One: He doesn't remember what the hell she looks like, so he'll have to go by shoe size. And two: He doesn't realize that there might be the faintest teensiest possibility that some girls HAVE THE SAME SIZE FEET. I mean for god's sake! So now on top of all of the pressures set on young girls nowadays, now they have to worry about their feet.

Life lessons learned from Cinderella:

1) Talk to mice. They make pretty dresses.

2) Uncomfortable shoes help find husbands.

3) Make sure no one has the same size feet as you.

4) Sing, clean, and cry and good things will happen to you.

5) If you hallucinate and see an insane old woman who speaks in three-year-old language, it's okay. She's your fairy godmother.

6) Without a prince, there is no happily ever after.

7) If you sit around and wait for long enough, mice and hallucinations will occur, and you dreams will come true!

Part Two

How about Snow White? Firstly, can I just say how much that name pisses me off? It's like unoriginality at its greatest. I mean, I know the mother was gonna die and all so she really didn't have long to thumb through the "What to name the Baby" book. But really, basing the name on skin color? If you follow that logic, most babies would be called "Sickly Green", "Beat Red" or "Putrid Purple". Now that would liven up school attendance... And what about the dwarfs!? Dopey? Grumpy? What does that do to their self esteem I wonder?

Sorry, back on topic. Is it just me, or is it AMAZINGLY creepy that it is accepted as okay that this guy who very much resembles a woman, hears this girl sing (in a very wobbly and annoying voice) and falls in love her, never actually seeing her. Then months later he finds this dead chick in a glass case (what is it with Disney and his glass fetish?) guarded by midgets, and on a whim decides to make out with said dead chick, who then randomly wakes up (to this stranger making out with her) and then they're both like MY LOVE! And gallop off into the sunset without so much as a word spoken to each other!

Now how long is that marriage going to last I wonder?

And here again! Our lovely heroin has the surprising job of CLEANING and SINGING.

Seeing a pattern here?

I'd say that from Snow White we learn that:

1) If you find a strange house in the woods, it's okay to go sleep in the beds as long as they're really small.

2) Small people have very one way personalities and are named thus.

3) Once again, cleaning and singing prevail.

4) It's okay to eat a pie that a bird has used it's feet to make the crust with. (Just don't tell the health inspectors)

5) Animal control doesn't answer calls in Snow White's neck of the woods.

6) If you fall into a coma and wake to find a strange, girlish man 3 inches away from you, calm down. He's your true love.

and 7) Don't eat apples. They're bad.

Walt (can I call you Walt?), I love you man. But your original movies are kind of insulting to my gender. If you ever wake from your frozen death, just know that women have a stronger roll in society now. I just wish that Cinderella and Snow White weren't the first women that we see as little girls.

Speaking for myself, I suck at cooking and cleaning. I do archery. I can ride a horse and punch better then most guys in my school. And anytime I wear heels, I fall. In a nutshell, I kind of fail at being a girl.

But seriously, don't let Disney's portrayal of women get you down. Sure they're pretty. But honestly, I'd take an episode of Robin Hood (BBC version of course), Batman, or Lord Of The Rings over a princess any day.

Dreams do come true, but you gotta get off you butt and make it happen.